Me You and Everyone We Know [2/10]

I watched this piece of indie crap for the first time around a year ago, and vaguely recall being thoroughly unimpressed. After slogging through half of it I thought to myself: "Wow, if the obscenely annoying main character ever directed a movie this would be it." Of course when the credits rolled I was still surprised to see that the obscenely annoying chick who played the "fictional" main character did direct the god damn thing. Oh sweet sweet irony, how I love thee. Well I guess somewhere in the past year of alcohol abuse and occasional weed smoking I must've forgotten how brutally godawful this flick actually is, because last night I was bored so i threw it on - and made it all the way to the 94 second mark before hitting eject. 94 fucking seconds! And short of physical torture, it was about as painful as 94 seconds can be.

Spinal Tap [7/10]

I know that I'm suppose to love this movie, but I just don't. And I've tried. Repeatedly. Sure I'm impressed by the fact there was no script. Sure I think it's incredibly original and well-crafted cinema. Sure it has its moments of hilarity. But scene for scene I just don't think that it's that funny. Sorry.

Winter Passing [4/10]

I knew nothing about this flick other than what I read on the back of the DVD case, but I expected it to be at least a mildly pretentious and probably rather forgettable. I was wrong on both counts. It's so horribly pretentious and cliché that I probably won't be able to forget it for quite some time. How could I forget poor wayward Zooey Daschanel who's so "numb" (Zach Braff's word, not mine) that she engages in promiscuous sex (gasp!), chronic drug use (heaven forbid!), and has to repeatedly slam her hand in drawers just to feel (give me a fuckin break). It's just a shame that Will Ferrell (at his absurdist best) and Ed Harris (at his drunken pathetic Pollackesque best) have to have their performances go for naught.

Hey Pro-Lifers, Fuck You

According to page 102 of the fifteenth edition of Gray's Anatomy - which I believe is somewhat of an authority on the matter - this mutant looking thing is the head of a human embryo at eight weeks. That's some creepy looking shit. Since all those pro-life fascists insist on marching around with placards of aborted foetuses and whatnot, I don't see why pro-choicers don't start making their own placards with pictures of this nasty fucking thing on them. They could say things like "Want this hobgoblin inside of you?" or "Not even Jesus could love something this creepy." Seriously though, that's what we all look like at eight weeks? Nasty....

Inside Man [8/10]

Look, this movie has a lot going for it: Denzel is Denzel (if there's another actor with less need for a last name I cant think of one - seriously, when was the last time you heard someone say, "Denzel Washington" in conversation?), bad ass Clive Owen (I haven't actually seen Casino Royale yet, but if they were gonna choose an ugly dude a ruggedly handsome guy to play Bond how could they not go with Clive Owen?), some great dialogue and a relatively clever heist plot. It's just too bad that the clever heist plot has to share so much screen time with the film's real theme: racial diversity and tension in the great US of fucking A. I'm fully aware that it's a Spike Lee Joint, but how does needlessly packing in all manner of racial clichés make for a good heist movie? That's right, it doesn't. The beat cop has reasons for being prejudiced? No way! The Sikh shows that racism cuts both ways? How intriguing! The white chick with big titties gets stereotyped too? How fucking sad! Sorry Spike, but if I want to be inundated with clichés then I'll throw on Crash. Oh, and don't even get me started on the music. Most of the score sounds just like that painful overly dramatic garbage that played during the absurd final sequence in 25th Hour - absolutely brutal to listen to. Of course even with all the hackneyed racial crap and shitty music, it's still a pretty damn entertaining flick.

Man on Fire [8/10]

Denzel is an alcoholic former assassin who's impervious to bullets and has a whole list of unfortunate fuckers to kill; Christopher Walken is his standard parody of himself (which at this point is all I can remember him ever being); various bad guys get their comeuppances (including one by way of the old c4 up the ass trick); the creepy acting cyborg (also known as Dakota Fanning) is mercifully absent from the second half; and Mickey Rourke is involved. There's no way this flick couldn't be great. I just really hope someone tells Tony Scot that it's possible to overuse jump cuts and shaky cam shots before he does any more needless damage to otherwise great movies.

United 93 [8/10]

I won't lie, I had almost no desire to see this film, and did so only out of some odd sense of obligation. I felt obligated not because of some nascent kernel of patriotism buried deep within my black anti-American heart, but rather I wanted to see if all the glowing reviews I'd been reading were accurate or just more bullshit patriotism. In short, I fully expected to dislike it. However, much to my surprise, I didn't. In fact, I have to say it was probably best it could have been for what it was: the first big 9/11 drama. I think the fact that the producers knew it would come under so much scrutiny might have actually helped. It pretty much stuck as close to the facts as possible (even having some of the real people play themselves), and took care not to drift into the realm of the overly melodramatic flag-waving bullshit as I'd expected. I think the biggest surprise for me was the, if not sympathetic, then at least humanising, portrayal of the hijackers. A close to perfect film - if it wasn't for all the screen time that Cal hat/flared nostrils guy had, I would have given it at least a 9.

Four Weddings and A Funeral [7/10]

I would have enjoyed it a lot more if someone other than Andie MacDowell was the Andie MacDowell character. I don't like her hair or her face, and her voice is absolutely grating. And if that's not enough, her "acting" is just painful to watch. I also realised that Kristin Scott Thomas is hot - or at least she was 12 years ago - which is my second problem. Hugh Grant doesn't even consider dating her even though she's hot, cool, in love with him and super rich. Huh? What am I missing here? Andie MacDowell and Kristin Scott Thomas should've switched roles. Although I guess that wouldn't have really solved my first problem since her hair, face, voice and "acting" would still drag the movie down a notch.

Random Thoughts

If you wanna feel bad for humanity, go hang out at Prague's main train station at one in the morning on a Monday in the middle of winter. The place is packed with the dregs of modern society: drunken homeless, crazy homeless, sleeping homeless, dancing homeless (aka priceless comic relief that made me wish I had a video camera in my mobile phone), toothless Roma whores, Roma drug dealers, degenerate gamblers perched in front of slot machines, a guy with a mole covering his entire face, and of course, proselytizing Christians. D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-N-G.....I'm gonna get business cards made to hand out to every new person I meet - they're going to read: "If you ever hear me say anything that you find even mildly offensive, please assume that I'm just joking and/or being tastelessly sarcastic." I should've done this years ago.....That reminds me of this big banner - reading: "Welcome to Belfast! (We apologise in advance)" - that I once saw upon entering a certain herein unnamed European city.....I'm pretty sure that I coined the term "Refugee Chic." I've been using it since the late 90s, and can't recall ever hearing or seeing it used by someone else. And yes, I'm incredibly proud of this (and yes, I'm fully aware of how pathetic that is)......

Borat [8/10]

Look, of course I thought it was great. I laughed my ass off in the theatre and immediately wanted to watch it again. I just wish it wasnt so hyped (and deconstructed and overly intellectualised and held up to be something that it's not). It's essentially just an extended borat sketch from "Da Ali G Show, " and has a lot more in common with Jackass than it does with meaningful political satire like Team America. I know it's possible - in fact I'd bet money that someone has already done it - to write some masters thesis on how the depiction of "the body" in Jackass reflects upon contemporary society. Give some long-winded description of a guy lighting his cock on fire, throw in some Foucault, add a line or two of original thought and give yourself a big pat on the fucking back - congratulations, you just authored some horrible post modern bullshit! I feel the same way about all these movie critic douche bags who've endlessly pontificated about Borat. Sorry to interrupt the intellectual circle jerk, but I don't think shooting 400 hours of film - mostly in the south, mind you - and getting a handful of people to say stupid, ignorant and/or slightly awkward things makes for a meaningful social commentary on America.

O Brother, Where Art Thou [6/10]

I can appreciate that it's a conceptually interesting idea to adapt the Odyssey to depression-era Mississippi, but this movie just doesn't do it for me. I think it probably has a lot to do with the fact that there's a ton of old timey music - almost none of which I can stand. Also, I'm a big George Clooney fan (Batman aside obviously), but when anyone has an accent for only 5% of their lines it always kills me. Of course John Goodman is great and Holly Hunter's lines are money, but if I find myself thinking that John Goodman and Holly Hunter are the silver lining of a Clooney movie then something is definitely amiss.

Black Hawk Down [3/10]

Since Somalia's been in the news again recently and the DVD was only Kc 30 (~$1.50) and I hadn't seen it since it first came out, I decided to give it a watch before the country faded back into obscurity for another ten years. Big mistake. Now I'm really not one to throw the race card around (and sincerely mean it), but there were so many points in this movie where I couldn't help but think (or even say out loud - and I was watching it by myself) things along the lines of: "Jesus Christ!" "No way!" "You gotta be fucking kidding me!" "Wow!" - and I really hate using exclamation marks. Ol' Ridley Scot's depiction of the Somalians is on par with the way Arabs were represented in Team America, which would be fine except for the fact that Black Hawk Down is supposed to be a true story and Team America is a fucking satirical puppet movie! Jesus Christ! In the scene where the second downed helicopter is getting swarmed by hundreds of blood thirsty Somalians - who all appear to have a bad case of "the rage" - I swear I heard one of them yelling "durkha durkha mohommad jihad." Absolutely incredible.

One More Crappy Pretentious Blog

Well, after two and a half years of arduous and incredibly time-consuming labour I think I've finally come to the realisation that the website I've spent hundreds of hours working on is not going to be making the big leap from my laptop hard drive to the internet anytime soon. [For those of you who had the pleasure of witnessing the glory that is/was nouveaubohemian.com - consider yourselves extremely privileged. For those of you who didn't, know that your life just got a little bit worse.]

Anyway, even though I have major aesthetic reservations about the word "blog," I can't deny the convenience - they're free and easy, and I'm broke and lazy. Also, I like to contribute in any way I can to Google's not-so-stealthy world takeover (since we're powerless to stop it, all we can really do it hope for a modicum of benevolence - can't be any worse than now right?)

In any event, rest assured that I will strive to make this blog as crappy and pretentious as everyone else's crappy pretentious blog (fuck, I hate that word). Also, god willing, I'll be pleasantly self-medicated a goodly portion of time - which should keep things interesting. Of course the smart money says that I'll get bored with this within the week and take it down before I even start shamelessly pimping it out via the signature line in my email.